Yesterday I wrote something that really got me thinking. The question was: What are you suppose do when the person you love doesn’t love themselves? Today I am going to try and give a reasonable answer to this question. More specifically, I am going to answer a question that I have received at every speaking engagement I have done over the past four years. How do I get my spouse to workout and make changes?
Let me start by saying this. You can’t! The cold hard truth is that the only one capable of changing ourselves is us. We can nag and push and berate, but what it all boils down to is that none of that is going to make a peson take action. When I was at my heaviest weight and lowest in life, there was nothing anyone could say to motivate me. My friends and family knew that I had the ability to do so much more but I wasn’t willing to do what they new I could.
People called me names and poked fun thinking that maybe that would do it. My mom would talk to me about my drinking and let me know she was concerned. My brother, who lost his weight as I was gaining mine would offer encouragement in his brotherly way. I heard them but I didn’t listen.
It wasn’t until I was laying on the couch all alone one night watching The Biggest Loser that I began to take action to change. What was my motivation? It was the little bit of pride that I had left inside me. “I wrestled at The University of Iowa. I have carried people on my back up the stairs of Carver Hawkeye Arena. I should be on that show. I would win.”
It was after saying those exact words that I rolled off the couch and started the process of applying to be on the show. Even at my worst I had some pride left in me. We all do. Unfortunatley, some of us use that pride in the wrong way by saying we don’t need to change. We are too prideful to realize that we are hurting ourselves.
That moment of having enough good pride to take action and yet being able to swallow the bad pride changed me for ever. The thing is that I had to do it.
So what do you do when the person you care about doesn’t want to make changes that will benefit them? First, we need to look at ourselves before we even begin to open our mouths. You can not ask someone to do something that you aren’t first willing to do yourself. If I am overweight, how can I ask the person I care about to lose weight while I sit on the couch?
After that self examination, proceed with caution. Today we will use weight loss for an example. Start by getting more active yourself and encouraging the person you want to include to come along. Maybe it’s just a short walk down the block at first. Don’t take them out and beat the snot out of them to prove to them just how out of shape they are.
Many wives ask me how to get their husband to eat better. Not to sound old fashioned, although that is exactly what happens when someone says something like that, but start cooking healthier food. So many people who are trying to get healthy cook one way for themselves and another for the others in the house. Stop doing that.
When someone tells me that the others in the house won’t eat the way they do, I say let them go hungry. Remember earlier when I said take care of yourself first? This is a prime example. If you start preparing healthy meals other members in your house have two options. Eat it or go hungry. Right here is where I could go off on a tangent about how we have become a nation of people pleasers but I won’t.
It is not cruel to ask members of your own household to eat healthy. In fact, you are doing them a favor! Make no mistake, it may take some time to unlearn old habits and embrace or tolerate the new ones so give it some time. If your family is use to eating McDonald’s every night don’t expect them to jump for joy when you start off a meal with a salad. Stay with it and don’t give in. We will continue this discussion tomorrow.
See you tomorrow!
#1 by Michele - February 4th, 2010 at 20:12
Powerful and terrific blog yet again Matt! I get asked this very question all the time because of Erik, and I have lived the life of wanting only the best for all of us, and not knowing what to do to make it happen sometimes. I have enjoyed reading your candid and insightful entries more than ever lately.